After the last two weeks, between naked flabby ping pong and shared-bathtub snot rockets, I've come to a firm conclusion: girls are fucking gross. They're gross on a wholly different level from men. It's as if there's not even a remote sense of acceptable social norms on their part; an alien species living amongst civilized humans. So I went to a female friend and asked her if she could explain to me what the deal was. This was JayVee's response:
It should be noted that I'm an avid reader of Guys Watching Girls.
Such an avid reader that you could essentially title this guest post I
was asked to write as Girls Watching Guys Watching Girls, but that would
come off way too confusing. You know, just as confusing as how I felt
watching this past Sunday's episode where Hannah inexplicably holes up
in a random dude's brownstone for 48hrs.
In my opinion, last Sunday's episode of Girls
was HBO's new equivalent to The Sopranos series finale where the masses
shouted a unanimous, angry "WTF just happened?!" But not in that fun
retrospective way of, "let's deconstruct the episode to find the deeper
meaning in it." No. Two days later and I'm still trying to process what
the fuck happened coupled with a more knee-jerk reaction of, "man, I
wish I could UNWATCH that shit and strike it from my mind completely."
But I can't, so onward and upward or so they say.
Facebook IM convo with Matt, which centered around all the things that I
despise in Hannah and how revolting of a character she is, he swooped
in for the kill. A guest post request. But this request was not born
solely out of Hannah's repulsive ways (i.e. naked ping pong or pretty
much anything at this point), but also the previous week, which treated
us to Jessa's bathtub snot-rockets, which apparently got Matt thinking
"girls are just plain gross." Well, dear Matthew. I agree. I agree so
much that I could've dedicated this post to all the reasons, as a
female, I find girls to be gross. Seriously, girls are fucking GROSS.
But have you done any self-examination lately? I
mean, I'm sure at SOME point SOME female has told you that a certain
thing you do drives them mad, right? If not, here's a starter list for
you to contemplate.
Silent, but Deadly -- Yes, the sneaky deployment of bodily gas. We get
it, people are gassy, girls are too, but the sneak-attack method of
releasing said gas is disgusting. I'm not talking just a little
wind-break. No. I'm talking about that stank that you boys release that
basically can bring you to the point of choking and tears.
Persistent Ball Scratching - Not the quick itch and move on. The full on
crotch dig, where you basically move your junk to excavate. You know
you're guilty. I often wonder if every guy's junk (without known
diseases) could be that itchy or is it more of a nervous tick? Are you
simply checking to make sure it's still there? I don't get it. (Editor's Note: I sense a twinge of jealousy)
Peeing on the rim of the bowl and/or floor - I cannot comprehend this
behavior no matter how hard I try. I used to chalk this up to laziness, I
still believe that's part of the reason, but the bigger issue is
probably that maybe your mother loved you TOO much. You were
too-coddled. You were pampered. And now, as an adult male, you think all
females will clean up your piss. Well, this is not the case.
Peeing in the shower - It seems counter intuitive to have TWO bullets
dedicated to urination, but it must be said. You do it. You know you do.
Pee BEFORE entering the shower...but see #3 as a reminder to get it in
the damn bowl. I don't care if the shower provides "more surface area."
Speed Eating - This seems mild compared to the other offenses, but it's
gross. It's frustrating to sit across from someone who basically scarfs
down his food in less than 10 minutes. This behavior also encompasses,
mouth-open chewing, exaggerated eating/drinking noises, and usually
culminates in a belch. You're disgusting.
Granted there are more
irritating and disgusting behaviors, but in my opinion they're probably
smaller infractions and generally can be overlooked. Right? Or maybe I'm
blocked most other behavior out of my brain... now if only I could find
a way to block Hannah from my brain. She's a car wreck... and I just
can't look away.