Fri. March 1st
Due to demand, I brought @Carahessels back to discuss the show and she was more than happy to oblige. Apologies ahead of time for most of this post being about yeasty vaginas.
After being able to only muster a “What… the fuck?” after this week’s episode, I would like to address two issues that seem to plague the average twenty-something: (1) Expectations and (2) How to cure a UTI. Let’s get the UTI out of the way as it’s usually (but not always) the more tricky of the two. LISTEN UP, GENTLEMEN,
THIS ONE’S FOR YOU TOO. (Moderator's Note: It so fucking isn't).
Garlic: While I found this hard to believe, garlic actually can help with a UTI… but for the love of god, please do not stick an entire clove in and/or around your vaj as Jessa suggests. (OK, so maybe not as much for the guys.) If you ever want someone to go downtown again, you will keep all garlic away from your nether regions. There’s enough to worry about down there already. Moving on. According to LiveStrong.com, the active compound in garlic is allin, which provides antibiotic activity, which in turn enhances the function of your immune system. This can help your body take over certain bacteria that leads to urinary tract infections. “Consume 600 mg of garlic powder daily. This can help reduce E. coli in the body. E. coli is the most common cause of UTIs.” Key word there is powder, people. (But do we really believe these Live Strong people anymore?)
Other popular home remedies:
Cranberry Juice: This seemed to be the most popular remedy amongst my college friends back in the glory days. Apparently, drinking cranberry juice prevents infection-causing bacteria from setting up shop in your bladder. It also contains anti-oxidants, which will help your infection as a whole. Drink up.
Baking Soda: The soda neutralizes the acidity in your urine, speeding along your recovery. Add 1 teaspoon of baking soda to a glass of water as it may help ease your infection.
Vitamin C: Vitamin C keeps the bladder healthy by acidifying the urine and wards off harmful bacteria.
Honestly, just chug a lot of water and go to the fucking doctor. Antibiotics will get rid of this shit way faster than anything you could cook up in your kitchen. And don’t pee in the fucking woods. The last thing you need is poison ivy up in there. THINK PEOPLE.
Next up: Expectations. As the wise Benjamin Franklin once said, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” Basically, if we cannot learn to properly and realistically manage our expectations, they will fuck us over and over again. And not in our thigh crease. Gew. While I do believe in optimism, glass half full and all that, you still have to be honest with yourself about what to expect from the people in your life, especially those you hold dear. History does tend to repeat itself whether you want it to or not and if you can’t accept that, you will continuously find yourself hurt/frustrated/angry/sad/etc. Jessa is the perfect example of this when she takes her dad’s butt-text as an invitation back into his life. After years of abandonment, she should have known that this text message was far from “a sign” and in fact, a mistake.
We’ve all been in Jessa’s shoes in one way or another, whether it was in our relationships, our friendships, our careers. We’ve all felt a little desperate at times. Desperate to trust, desperate for love, affection, attention, and so we lower our standards and believe that this time it (whatever “it” may be) will work out. 90% of the time, we are fucked over, every time. All of a sudden, we’re the asshole with no one to blame/scream/throw something at but ourselves for expecting things to be different.
So, unfortunately, being that I try to practice what I preach, I am officially lowering my expectations of GIRLS. Rather than hoping it will turn around, I’m simply expecting that it won’t. Who knows, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised… or, more realistically, maybe I will just be bombarded by naked Hannah parts and left asking “What... the fuck?”
Fri. Feb 15th
After the last two weeks, between naked flabby ping pong and shared-bathtub snot rockets, I've come to a firm conclusion: girls are fucking gross. They're gross on a wholly different level from men. It's as if there's not even a remote sense of acceptable social norms on their part; an alien species living amongst civilized humans. So I went to a female friend and asked her if she could explain to me what the deal was. This was JayVee's response:
It should be noted that I'm an avid reader of Guys Watching Girls. Such an avid reader that you could essentially title this guest post I was asked to write as Girls Watching Guys Watching Girls, but that would come off way too confusing. You know, just as confusing as how I felt watching this past Sunday's episode where Hannah inexplicably holes up in a random dude's brownstone for 48hrs.
In my opinion, last Sunday's episode of Girls was HBO's new equivalent to The Sopranos series finale where the masses shouted a unanimous, angry "WTF just happened?!" But not in that fun retrospective way of, "let's deconstruct the episode to find the deeper meaning in it." No. Two days later and I'm still trying to process what the fuck happened coupled with a more knee-jerk reaction of, "man, I wish I could UNWATCH that shit and strike it from my mind completely." But I can't, so onward and upward or so they say.
After a brief Facebook IM convo with Matt, which centered around all the things that I despise in Hannah and how revolting of a character she is, he swooped in for the kill. A guest post request. But this request was not born solely out of Hannah's repulsive ways (i.e. naked ping pong or pretty much anything at this point), but also the previous week, which treated us to Jessa's bathtub snot-rockets, which apparently got Matt thinking "girls are just plain gross." Well, dear Matthew. I agree. I agree so much that I could've dedicated this post to all the reasons, as a female, I find girls to be gross. Seriously, girls are fucking GROSS. But have you done any self-examination lately? I mean, I'm sure at SOME point SOME female has told you that a certain thing you do drives them mad, right? If not, here's a starter list for you to contemplate.
1. Silent, but Deadly -- Yes, the sneaky deployment of bodily gas. We get it, people are gassy, girls are too, but the sneak-attack method of releasing said gas is disgusting. I'm not talking just a little wind-break. No. I'm talking about that stank that you boys release that basically can bring you to the point of choking and tears.
2. Persistent Ball Scratching - Not the quick itch and move on. The full on crotch dig, where you basically move your junk to excavate. You know you're guilty. I often wonder if every guy's junk (without known diseases) could be that itchy or is it more of a nervous tick? Are you simply checking to make sure it's still there? I don't get it. (Editor's Note: I sense a twinge of jealousy)
3. Peeing on the rim of the bowl and/or floor - I cannot comprehend this behavior no matter how hard I try. I used to chalk this up to laziness, I still believe that's part of the reason, but the bigger issue is probably that maybe your mother loved you TOO much. You were too-coddled. You were pampered. And now, as an adult male, you think all females will clean up your piss. Well, this is not the case.
4. Peeing in the shower - It seems counter intuitive to have TWO bullets dedicated to urination, but it must be said. You do it. You know you do. Pee BEFORE entering the shower...but see #3 as a reminder to get it in the damn bowl. I don't care if the shower provides "more surface area."
5. Speed Eating - This seems mild compared to the other offenses, but it's gross. It's frustrating to sit across from someone who basically scarfs down his food in less than 10 minutes. This behavior also encompasses, mouth-open chewing, exaggerated eating/drinking noises, and usually culminates in a belch. You're disgusting.
Granted there are more irritating and disgusting behaviors, but in my opinion they're probably smaller infractions and generally can be overlooked. Right? Or maybe I'm blocked most other behavior out of my brain... now if only I could find a way to block Hannah from my brain. She's a car wreck... and I just can't look away.
Fri. Jan 25th
Happy Friday and if you're anywhere along the Eastern seaboard, stay fucking warm. Or try to at least. I got a submission today from an old work colleague of mine just itching to give her take on Ep 2. If you find any of her ramblings remotely interesting, you can follow her on Twitter @Carahessels.
Pour One Out For Adam
Surprising to no one anywhere, George broke up with Elijah once he heard the news of the single-digit-pump affair with Marnie. George eventually storms out, but not before giving a few fuck you’s to Charlotte, Elija’s mother, and twisting that little knife called guilt in Elijah’s gut for keeping this secret from Hannah. Look, I don’t want to hate Marnie. I really don’t. I enjoy looking at her and… well, that’s about it. But seriously, as the female writer of the week I have to ask - where is the girl code? Gay, straight, bi, boner, beautiful naked (whatever, he is), Elijah is still Hannah’s ex beau of two and a half years. I don’t care how down and desperate Marnie was feeling in that moment, chick should have kept her legs closed. And after deciding to go through with it, she should have shown at least ONE nip. If you’re already asking him to get a condom and you’re still kinda uncertain about his sexuality, you can show him a nip. Just saying. So Marnie is a prude-wannabe-hussy. Also, the sky is blue and the earth revolves around the sun.
After Marnie has to experience what is most likely her first real rejection in life (at her interview) she returns home to shitting-rainbows Shosh and Ray who are in that phase of their relationship where anything and everything seems romantic and lovely. Like, bathing a pig for example. So beautiful. Love this stage. Impossible is nothing. Anyways, it’s these two lovebirds that give Marnie the idea to get a “pretty person job.” No, not modeling, but something more along the lines of hostessing or Champagne Facials, as Matt, aka blog-daddy, pointed out (Editor's Note: I'm ALL about being referred to as Blog Daddy. Thank you for that.). Now, it is often said that those with “pretty person jobs” also have major
Finally enter Jessa, your anything-but-basic bitch and Thomas-John, who looks better on canvas than in real life. I will never understand this guy. I just won’t. After running off to his mystery meetings and bestowing three puppies upon Jessa, TJ disappears for the rest of the show. Again. Jessa names her three puppies Garbage, Fucker and Channukah (oddly, three very symbolic words for my own life) and tells Hannah that her life will never get better than the very moment they are in. Apparently, everyone’s life can improve but Jessa’s – the girl who married a stranger. The stranger who she turned down a threesome with to ‘eat [Marnie’s] cunt on the sidewalk.’ The stranger who makes mashups of children playing in a field with Vitamin C’s Steal My Sunshine. Right. Him.
Seemingly unfazed by her breakup with Sandy,
I found this entire scene especially tragic. In a matter of minutes, Adam runs the gambit of emotions, quickly going from creepy, to sweet, to frantic, to the verge of tears and an emotional breakdown with the realization that his relationship with Hannah might truly be over. Real talk, the tears work every time for me. Seeing a manchild cry right before you (me) can be so gut-wrenching that you (I) actually forget all of the f’ed up shit that has happened in the relationship, even if it occurred only minutes before. You (I) think to yourself (myself), this is my moment, this is my Notebook moment! He loves me SO much that he is actually crying, CRYING, for me. LET’S BE TOGETHER FOREVER! I LOVE YOU! But no, Hannah holds firm. Stronger than I, she only offers up a brief, but deep stare at Adam, the meaning of which we may never know, only to be interrupted by none other than… uh oh, smells like bacon. This scene was enough to make even me feel uncomfortable. Imagine having to admit you called the cops on your ex… in front of your ex? AWKIES! And for the nth time, we find ourselves feeling bad for poor Adam.
Regardless, rough as it was to watch Adam get carted off by the popo, I think every chick’s inner sex goddess stood proudly for just a second and saluted Hannah for her resolve, however crazy it might have been… because honestly, who wouldn’t find a little pleasure in witnessing their ex getting cuffed by New York’s finest? Hannah screams from the top of the steps, “I just wanted him to stop texting me!” and in that moment, she debases their entire relationship to what it truly is: a fucked up, twenty-something, you live and you learn, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same type of romance. More or less, a song from The Fray.
So let’s all pour one out for Adam. And by ‘one’ I mean a big ol’ glass of milk.
Till next time, ya sad little glowworms!
Fri. Jan 18th
Before the weekend kicks off, we wanted to hit you with another female write up. Today's post is by @Becca_Barish. Becca is a Chicago based comedian and a founding member of Gameface, whose videos can be found on Funny or Die. She's the star burper in the "Oops" video. Gross.
Feeling Bad For Everybody...Except Shosh: -->
So, we are finally back with season two! I must be honest, this first episode did not feel particularly deep to me, but rather served as an initial look at what we can expect in the coming weeks. That being said, as the female writer this week, I suppose it’s my job to express the lady side of things so that you dudes who watch the show can understand the female perspective! By the way, a panda next to a gun next to a wrapped gift translates to, “I am woman. Hear me roar! I may be deflowered, but I’m not devalued” in emoji language. But I digress.
The episode starts out with Hannah and Elijah spooning. New roomies! Unfortunately, every time they say, “I love living with you!” I (hot) flashed forward to an imagined future episode when they suddenly realize that living together probably isn’t that great. I mean, how can we forget this? We also get a taste of Elijah’s new relationship, which I assume probably won’t even exist by episode two. For those of us who did watch Sex and the City and can't help but compare the two shows ad nauseum, George’s (or as I call him, “Old Ray”) speech about the boring party reminded me of this classic.
Poor Adam. After a brief meeting of Hannah’s new boyfriend(ish) guy, we go back to Adam’s (now larger?) apartment. Pretty crazy that this is the same Adam from last season who was willing to consider wearing a condom and tried to sneak it up her caboose hole. This is my theory. Girls have a huge social network that they can constantly use to talk about their feelings. Guys are less vocal about feelings with one another. So, when guys finally find someone whom they can open up to, they become someone like Adam who feels like he “will die” if Hannah goes away. More importantly, when Adam got up to talk to Hannah about not leaving him, I assume I was supposed to care for the fate of their relationship, but unfortunately my first thought was, “If he can stand up to talk to her, why can’t he walk to the bathroom and why is he using a bedpan?????” Where does one buy a bedpan? Maybe they’ll go into that for episode two. And to think, just months ago, he made her feel like her “whole body was a clit.” By the way, I looked for that on google images. Nothing.
Poor Marnie. The girl who needs control has somehow lost it all. Yet, her mother is Rita Wilson, which by default makes her father Tom Hanks. Nice. I know I know. It’s just the actress Rita Wilson playing Marnie’s mom. I guess I just really want Tom Hanks to be in this show.
Ah, and poor Charlie! Waiting outside of the bathroom! Clearly he has not learned his lesson about what happens when you suffocate your girlfriends. Also, given how long he was waiting outside of the bathroom, his girlfriend (whom I will refer to as “Camel Romper”) might have just been sassy because she was embarrassed since she was clearly going #2. Well, that would be if girls made number 2’s….which we don’t. And that’s including Camel Romper.
Shosh is the best part of the show. More Shosh! More Shosh!
And yea, I know Jessa was in the episode for a minute, but I have nothing to say.
And so we were given a first glimpse into Season 2 of the complexities of relationships of 20 somethings in NY. Ah, if it were only as simple as “I came. You came hard. We all laughed.” Unfortunately, life’s a bit trickier than that.
Until next time, folks. We’ll keep watching these “struggling” individuals in their gigantic NY apartments that would realistically cost a bit more than a non paid intern’s salary. Nevertheless, I look forward to continuing this "tennis match of ideas".
Wed. Jan 9th
This week's installment comes to us from @newyorksiddy as she explores why it is that any guy would actually watch this show. As a former lifestyle writer for the New York Daily News and the current Associate Producer of the TODAY show, the girl knows her shit. If you wanna read more from @newyorksiddy then go right ahead.
Girls Like Guys Who Like "GIRLS":
Here's the thing about "Girls": It's the best TV show ever.
It reminds me of a scene from season 1, episode 7: On the way to a Bushwick warehouse party (“all of Brooklyn and two-thirds of Manhattan” were there), Jemima Kirke’s character Jessa says "Jaded as I am, I still hold out hope that the next party will be the best party ever."
“O.K., best party ever," Lena Dunham's character Hannah ponders. "To me that's like saying best gym ever or best nature documentary ever -- how good can it really be?"
One might think the same of a TV show. The answer, in this case, is simple: it’s really fucking good.
And despite what many may have assumed from the title -- the show isn't of the chick variety. I think many men I know (at least all of them in Brooklyn and two-thirds in Manhattan) assumed “Girls” would turn Sunday nights back into the hell that was 1998-2004 (also known as the "Sex And The City" era). It was a dark period defined by a lot of endless stereotypes about supposed Manhattan women (everything from unrealistically expensive clothing to equally as unbelievable relationships) that became the fantasy for every woman who has ever lived here (disclaimer: I could probably recite the entire six seasons in their entirety). For guys, it was a particular low point. The show magnified everything they had ever feared about New York women.
While "Girls" is exactly the opposite of its predecessor, it's still fascinating that guys find the show so endearing. For a long time, I thought that my guy friends didn't want to know what girls were actually like. We don’t all look that great naked. Sex can be alarmingly awkward. Some of us are still virgins. Some, like Jessa, are free spirited, emotionally unavailable, and downright out of their minds. Some are an incredibly annoying combination of uptight and gorgeous, like Marnie. Some are quirky, vibrant, and not particularly good at smoking crack -- like Shoshana. And some, like Hannah, are still trying to figure out who they are. That’s just how we roll.
And that's the reason that every self-respecting man I know watches every Sunday. Maybe it's just as refreshing for them as it is for us ladies to watch a show about girls who look a little something like the girls they actually know in their lives: their girlfriends, co-workers, sisters, friends. They are complicated, kind of crazy, really fucking hilarious, and a whole lot of fun.