Then there's Adam, who's definitely worse for the wear. In a full leg cast from getting run over by that pesky car, Adam is bed ridden and reduced to pissing in a bucket. Even though they are no longer dating, Hannah is there to help out, (clearly burdened with guilt) but there to help nonetheless. There's still some form of love between the two but a cloud of smoldering anger and resentment is present. For now, as Adam puts it, Hannah is just his "main hang" and not much more. Sandy (Hannah's new love interest played by funny man Donald Glover) would prefer that Hannah informs Adam of their newly blossoming relationship but Hannah decides to withhold this bit of info from Adam, seemingly unable to cut the cord quite yet.
I started to dissect Marnie's lunch with her Chelsea Handler wannabe mother, but honestly, it's just a whole dramatic mother-daughter snippy conversation that I can't even begin to relate to. So I'll pass.
Plenty of action at Hannah and Elijah's party though. We've got karaoke performances from half the cast at one point or another, Elijah's boyfriend George gets white girl wasted and gets bounced from the soiree, and there are a couple of rendezvous (rendezvouses? rendezvii?) between exes. Shoshanna tries to play cold to Ray with a flippant "Oh, Hello...GOOD. BYE." but she can't fight him off for long. Ray catches up with Shosh alone in a bedroom, charms the audience with some topical Emoji humor, confesses he still has feelings for her, and then swoops her into his arms for an instant classic kiss. While we don't know exactly what happened between the two, it seems to be a moot point now. Marnie and Charlie's catch up isn't quite as romantic. While Charlie waits outside the bathroom for Audrey like a lap dog, in his typical subservient fashion, he tries shooting the shit with Marnie. Audrey may be a bigger bitch to Charlie than Marnie ever was, but that doesn't prevent Charlie from trying to wax poetic on how amazing their relationship is. Audrey storms out after she can't score any weed and even as Marnie tries to lick his wounds (and possibly more), Charlie assures Marnie things are great between them. The kid just can't help but put the pussy on a pedestal.
After Hannah disposes of Elijah's boyfriend (who's a dead ringer as Buffalo Bill's doppelganger, by the way) she slips out of the house to drop off a bag of supplies and meds for Adam. When Adam tries to get her to stay and hang out, plying her with balloon faces and director's cut scenes from Baggar Vance, he doesn't get the response he was looking for so he pulls out the big guns. "You're the best thing in my life. I don't know how to behave without you. I'd die if you go away." Even at that, Hannah is somewhat nonplussed. Adam doesn't buy her ambivalence but Hannah firmly reminds him that their relationship, whatever it may be at this point, is not on his terms. It's on hers.
Back at the apartment, the party has been abandoned and only Marnie and Elijah remain, as they belt out karaoke jams on the couch. You might not be able to tell from this scene, but Allison Williams actually has some serious musical chops. Elijah confides in Marnie, telling her about his sometimes confusing sexual orientation, and how he still finds himself attracted to women at times. More insecure and desperate than we've ever seen her (no job, no boyfriend, no Hannah) Marnie clearly has nothing to lose when Elijah makes his move on her.
As the clothes start to come off, we brace for what will be known as the best 15 seconds in television history. Every time Allison Williams gets naked, an angel gets its wings...and a raging boner. However, the show's writers and director are sadistic animals and all we get is a little bit of sideboob. Even Elijah is turned off by this cruel twist, immediately losing wood. Marnie tries to console him, reminding him that he doesn't need to pretend to be something he isn't, but Elijah shoots the same observation right back at her. Broken and truly lonely, Marnie shows up at Charlie's place to spend the night in the company of somebody she trusts. It looks like she IS the wound, after all.
Oh right, and then there's Jessa who gets tossed in there as an afterthought for good measure. Judging by the cornrows and puka shell necklaces, Jessa and new hubby Thomas-John have just returned from their honey moon and they are still head over heals for each other. So that's nice. As Episode 1 closes, we know that we're in for a lot of what we expected this season: angsty life drama, tons of awkward sex, and Hannah will be naked. A lot. If you bet any money otherwise, looks like you lost your office pool.