Pour One Out For Adam
Surprising to no one anywhere, George broke up with Elijah once he heard the news of the single-digit-pump affair with Marnie. George eventually storms out, but not before giving a few fuck you’s to Charlotte, Elija’s mother, and twisting that little knife called guilt in Elijah’s gut for keeping this secret from Hannah. Look, I don’t want to hate Marnie. I really don’t. I enjoy looking at her and… well, that’s about it. But seriously, as the female writer of the week I have to ask - where is the girl code? Gay, straight, bi, boner, beautiful naked (whatever, he is), Elijah is still Hannah’s ex beau of two and a half years. I don’t care how down and desperate Marnie was feeling in that moment, chick should have kept her legs closed. And after deciding to go through with it, she should have shown at least ONE nip. If you’re already asking him to get a condom and you’re still kinda uncertain about his sexuality, you can show him a nip. Just saying. So Marnie is a prude-wannabe-hussy. Also, the sky is blue and the earth revolves around the sun.
After Marnie has to experience what is most likely her first real rejection in life (at her interview) she returns home to shitting-rainbows Shosh and Ray who are in that phase of their relationship where anything and everything seems romantic and lovely. Like, bathing a pig for example. So beautiful. Love this stage. Impossible is nothing. Anyways, it’s these two lovebirds that give Marnie the idea to get a “pretty person job.” No, not modeling, but something more along the lines of hostessing or Champagne Facials, as Matt, aka blog-daddy, pointed out (Editor's Note: I'm ALL about being referred to as Blog Daddy. Thank you for that.). Now, it is often said that those with “pretty person jobs” also have major
Finally enter Jessa, your anything-but-basic bitch and Thomas-John, who looks better on canvas than in real life. I will never understand this guy. I just won’t. After running off to his mystery meetings and bestowing three puppies upon Jessa, TJ disappears for the rest of the show. Again. Jessa names her three puppies Garbage, Fucker and Channukah (oddly, three very symbolic words for my own life) and tells Hannah that her life will never get better than the very moment they are in. Apparently, everyone’s life can improve but Jessa’s – the girl who married a stranger. The stranger who she turned down a threesome with to ‘eat [Marnie’s] cunt on the sidewalk.’ The stranger who makes mashups of children playing in a field with Vitamin C’s Steal My Sunshine. Right. Him.
Seemingly unfazed by her breakup with Sandy,
I found this entire scene especially tragic. In a matter of minutes, Adam runs the gambit of emotions, quickly going from creepy, to sweet, to frantic, to the verge of tears and an emotional breakdown with the realization that his relationship with Hannah might truly be over. Real talk, the tears work every time for me. Seeing a manchild cry right before you (me) can be so gut-wrenching that you (I) actually forget all of the f’ed up shit that has happened in the relationship, even if it occurred only minutes before. You (I) think to yourself (myself), this is my moment, this is my Notebook moment! He loves me SO much that he is actually crying, CRYING, for me. LET’S BE TOGETHER FOREVER! I LOVE YOU! But no, Hannah holds firm. Stronger than I, she only offers up a brief, but deep stare at Adam, the meaning of which we may never know, only to be interrupted by none other than… uh oh, smells like bacon. This scene was enough to make even me feel uncomfortable. Imagine having to admit you called the cops on your ex… in front of your ex? AWKIES! And for the nth time, we find ourselves feeling bad for poor Adam.
Regardless, rough as it was to watch Adam get carted off by the popo, I think every chick’s inner sex goddess stood proudly for just a second and saluted Hannah for her resolve, however crazy it might have been… because honestly, who wouldn’t find a little pleasure in witnessing their ex getting cuffed by New York’s finest? Hannah screams from the top of the steps, “I just wanted him to stop texting me!” and in that moment, she debases their entire relationship to what it truly is: a fucked up, twenty-something, you live and you learn, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same type of romance. More or less, a song from The Fray.
So let’s all pour one out for Adam. And by ‘one’ I mean a big ol’ glass of milk.
Till next time, ya sad little glowworms!