What a weekend for Booth Jonathan, huh? Co-starring in the best SNL digital short since Dick in a Box on Saturday night, then following it up on Sunday by giving Marnie an inverted snow angel. But I’m getting ahead of myself I think.
So, Hannah scores a gig as a freelance writer for the online magazine Jazzhate, which is good news. The less good news is that they’re only concerned with faux edgy topics like {GASP} drug use! Now Hannah needs to score a whole bunch of coke so she can write all about this incredibly novel experience that's never been written about before. Hannah is resolute to make the magic happen, even if it’s outside her comfort zone, so down the rabbit hole she goes. Only catch is Jessa, the group’s resident ne’er-do-well, can’t cop any drugs for her. As a last resort, Hannah drops in on her junkie recovering neighbor, Laird. Like most coke addicts (sorry, I’m on a Lonely Island digital short kick right now) the guy has some boundary issues as evidenced by his accurate description of Hannah’s daily schedule and magazine subscriptions. But he does have a cool pet turtle and lots of pomegranate juice, so he’s some what getting his shit together. Despite his new found sobriety, he agrees to get the blow for Hannah.
But with all this yayo…what to do?!?! Leave it to Elijah, coke-night planner extraordinaire. Obviously dancing. Obviously. Punching a former Disney star? Check. “Power-clashing” outfit inspired by a middle school incest victim? Of course. By 4pm, the two are already jacked up to the point that they’re writing down their incoherent ramblings on the apartment walls in sharpie. It’s gonna be a long fucking night.
While Marnie is hostessing in her little Von Trapp suspenders, she runs into the aforementioned Booth Jonathan. He doesn’t even remember her name, but that certainly doesn't stop him from pulling her out of the restaurant by her wrist so they can have sex. Back at his apartment, Boothe shows off his art (ie. a bloody doll house and a lockable stand up closet that flickers disturbing animal images and blares Duncan Shiek. In all honesty, the modern art isn't the strangest thing about Booth. You know what is? The fact that he still uses AOL mail. Now that's some weird hipster shit. When Marnie is finally let out from the sensory box she's completely overwhelmed but emerges with one realization however misguided: “you’re so fucking talented”. The sensitive artist persona is a tough hand to play if you want to get laid but gotta hand it to him. kid's got game.
At this point in the night, Hannah and Elijah appear to be on a lot more than just coke. In a state of seemingly unrealistic drug induced euphoria, Hannah changes shirts with some pony tailed bike messenger type on the dance floor. Sporting a see through mesh tank top, Hannah marches off to the bathroom with Elijah to do more blow off a toilet seat cover. If that's the only available surface that's one thing. But they're really going to do gummies off the seat also? Gross. Catalyzed by the coke's truth serum effect, Elijah confesses to banging Marnie. Hannah takes this news pretty much exactly as we'd expect...by sweating bullets, dousing her entire head in sink water and screaming “I hate you!”.
Even though Elijah reminds Hannah that his dalliance with Marnie is none of her concern, Hannah is still pretty butthurt about the whole thing. Ever competitive with Marnie, Hannah decides to kiss Elijah in the drug store aisle. Maybe she can get 4 pumps out of him and prove to Marnie once and for all that she's superior in at least one way. She might even be able to capitalize on this plan but right then, out of the corner of her eye, she spots a lurking Laird in the next aisle. Laird is overcome with guilt for introducing the innocent Hannah to a world of drugs and bad decisions and admits that he's been following her just like the mom in Really Loud and Close. World's most mediocre movie of all time, don't see it. Still struggling with addiction, Laird reveals that he bought himself some smack, which I'm pretty sure is part of Step 2, before giving it up to Elijah so he can stay on his road to recovery. Since he has nothing else going on that night, other than shopping for socks before going home to hang out with his turtle, Laird tags along as Hannah and Elijah decide to do a surprise drop-in on Marnie, who is currently wiping cum out of her box at Booth's house.
When they arrive at the Booth Jonathan fortress unannounced, Hannah cuts to the chase immediately. "I know about you and Elijah" she tells Marnie. Marnie is stung, and if you recall, she wanted to tell Hannah all along but Elijah swore her to secrecy, not the other way around. Hannah, never shying away from being over dramatic and extremely egocentric, is at this point preparing us for an out of control maniacal coke rant. But that isn't what happens exactly. Instead, we get one of her more salient epiphanies; an accurate realization of the friendship dynamic between her and Marnie. Fashion advice and lunch dates do not make a good friend. The only thing that matters is not doing the things that will intentionally hurt somebody else. And that's where Marnie has failed Hannah. Everything else is meaningless, petty bullshit and Hannah can see that clearly now. See? Drugs are good. They help you think.
Marnie goes to puke and Hannah takes the momentary break in the action to remind Elijah that he's going to have to move out because he ruined her: (1) article (2) night (3) relationship with Marnie (4) relationship with coke, which could have been her favorite drug. In the world’s worst carnie game of all time, the consolation prize is that Laird takes you home. Most disturbingly to anybody who has to watch, Hannah and Laird go at it in the hallway because Hannah clearly gives zero fucks about anything anymore. And now she has AIDS. Probably.
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