Season 1 Episode Guide

Episode 1: "Pilot"

We begin the series with a cold open as Hannah is told she will no longer be financially supported by her parents. This of course begs the question why every girl living in New York appears to be supported by their parents well into their 20's. My guy friends who don't have any money live in tiny walk ups and eat Ramen a lot. It sucks, but it's life. But girls I know working for investment banks? Yeah, their parents pay their rent in beautiful doorman buildings. But I digress...

In the next two minutes, we meet the rest of the girls in rapid succession. First up is Hannah's room mate/"best friend" Marnie and we learn a few things about her very quickly. (1) She's smoke-show hot (2) She's dating a total wiener of a boyfriend who allows her to sleep in a separate room from him (3) Not surprisingly, she's cooling on said wiener of a boyfriend (4) She won't walk around the house naked because she only shows her boobs to people she has sex with. At number 4, I'm guessing this is about the point when 92% of the male viewing audience gave up on the show.

Next up are the cousins: world traveling, free spirit Jessa and the quick talking rather Jewy Shoshanna. The dichotomy between the two is readily apparent (and slightly uncomfortable) both in the way they speak and the way they dress. It's clear from the get go that these two will reside on opposite ends of the show's moral spectrum (and therefore, within the twisted wires of every girl's inner psyche): wild, unfettered adventure vs. cautious, thoughtful convention. Hannah and Marnie operate somewhere in middle but it's blatant which way each of them lean.

After essentially firing herself from her unpaid internship, displaying rather weak negotiation skills, Hannah heads over to Adam's apartment. It's unclear at this point exactly what the arrangement is, but given an earlier conversation with Marnie about unanswered texts, it appears safe to assume that Hannah isn't much more than a booty call for the Neanderthal Adam. Whether Adam is intentionally rude and dismissive of her ("let's play the quiet game") or just your archetypal guy, is also unclear. Between his comments about her weight, tattoos, condom use (not to mention a quick attempt at the other hole) I suppose an argument can be made for either one.

Back at Hannah and Marnie's place, a dinner party is underway and we get to meet the last main character of the show, Charlie's friend, Ray. Ray establishes himself as the show's lone rational thinker thus far, both with his shrewd rant on the brilliance of McDonald's and then with the line of the episode. As he witnesses the drama unfold relating to Hannah's unemployment, he says simply "watching this is like watching Clueless".

Upon finishing a cup of Ray's opium tea, Hannah takes Jessa's advice (much to the chagrin of Marnie) and drops in on her parents to convince them of her writing talent and of her need for their continued financial support. Marnie's disappointment in Hannah's decision to do this comes from both confusion (her advice was significantly more reasonable) and jealousy ("I'm her best friend!"). Either way, the icy competition for Hannah's friendship momentarily thaws when Jessa confides that she's pregnant.

With her opium trip taking a minor downward spiral Hannah wrestles with her own maturity, making opposing exclamations: "Coffee is for grownups!" and "I'm 24 years old, don't tell me what to do!" It's a fine line we all walk at some point in our lives...opium not required. The first major taste of independence typically breeds a retreat back to the comfortable and secure. As the series premier reaches its end, Hannah disappears into a crowded Manhattan cityscape with nothing but her new state of independence thrust upon her. Oh, and about $40 in stolen room service tips.


Episode 2: "Vagina Panic"

Whose sex is more agonizing to watch? The sex where Adam gets off on calling Hannah a lunchbox toting, cum covered 11-year old OR the sex where Charlie keeps trying to make eye contact, go all slow and intimate...Jesus Christ, Charlie, you don't deserve her, seriously. My guess is that neither are all that enjoyable, but any ladies reading this blog feel free to sound off if that's not the case. What is the case is that the grass is always greener on the other side and Marnie could probably use a dose of Adam's depravity while Hannah could surely benefit from sex that's slightly less traumatizing.

When we find out that Jessa is going to the clinic to get the big A-bomb, my first thought was relief. I've had just about enough of Hollywood pressuring young, single, pregnant women into thinking that a shmashmorshin will absolutely destroy their lives. The reality of the situation portrayed on Girls is certainly more palatable and situation-appropriate than the ones portrayed in Juno, Knocked Up, or the train wreck that is MTV reality television. For me anyway.

While Hannah freaks out about Adam's unprotected sexcapades with other partners, Marnie rips Charlie for being a pussy and the viewers are made to suffer through the cruelest of all punishments: having to listen to somebody in a relationship complain about how tough they have it. Your boyfriend would probably lose an arm wrestling match to Justin Bieber, this is a fact, so if you have a problem with this it's time to take matters into your own hands. Shit or get off the pot, Marnie.

Hannah's STD paranoia did get me thinking though, so I tried replicating her Google searches. Sadly, any search that included "stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms" only returned pages and pages of video clips and articles on Girls. How meta. I guess we'll never know. 

As the gaggle (minus Marnie) snack on fro-yo, Shoshanna preaches life lessons from Listen Ladies: A Tough Love Approach to the Tough Game of Love. Now, while this book isn't real, its contents pretty much put all of our greatest moves on blast. It labels doggy style as degrading and convinces women to pressure men for proper formal dates, rather than late night bar meet ups. What the fuck?!?! Between this and He's Just Not That in to You, guys are going to need to start getting a lot more creative or our species is going to die out quickly.

After calming down an emotional Jessa and telling her she will indeed make a good mother one day, Hannah heads to a job interview. And whattayaknow, interviewers don't really find rape jokes funny. Now I don't want to go on the record of saying I'm a fan of rape jokes per se, but Hannah's quip was actually a pretty good one. Tough break kiddo. Some of us have to learn this shit the hard way. To be honest, it was a fucking miracle I made it through 2 years at a corporate PR/marketing agency unscathed.

Before the episode comes to a close, all the ladies meet at the clinic to provide moral support. Well, all the ladies except for Jessa who decides to pound a few white Russians and carry on with the abortion the old fashioned way. All liquored up, Jessa goes at it with a stranger in the bar's bathroom when her period finally drops...or she has a mini miscarriage...I don't know honestly, I'm not an OBGYN. Point is, she's not pregnant anymore. The juxtaposition of the two cousins is in full force again as it is exactly at this time we learn that Shoshanna is a virgin.

In the closing scene, Hannah gets examined for STD's, so the trip to the health clinic isn't a complete waste of time. With the doctor elbow-deep, Hannah acknowledges that it hurts a little, but we all know the pain she's referring to is not a vaginal one.


Episode 3: "All Adventurous Women Do" 

Let's get the important stuff out of the way first or else I won't be able to concentrate on the rest of this synopsis. This. And feel free to skip ahead to 2:08 in the clip because literally nothing else matters. I'll give you a few minutes to do whatever it is you need to take care of now.

Welcome back. So, everybody decides for a makeover. Charley shaves his head to support a cancer stricken coworker but hopes it will also reignite some sort of spark between him and Marnie. It doesn't. Hannah dons the outfit of a goth hooker in an effort to awaken Adam's sexual appetite. It does. Jessa sports a get up in an apparent effort to convince us that she is even less qualified to care for children than we originally could have imagined. It does.

It's possible Jessa seeks out a babysitting gig as a way of proving to herself that she has maternal and responsible instincts but in all likelihood she just needs walking around cash for needles, smack, and condoms. I'm just kidding. She doesn't use condoms. Speaking of condoms, Hannah gets a call from her gyno and she's got HPV. Upon being accused as the source of this STD, Adam vehemently and angrily denies the indictment, even backing it up with the claim that he'd been tested just a week earlier. Hannah doesn't even get a hug goodbye and to top it all off, Marnie reminds her that rent is due next week. Could this day get any worse?!?!

Shoshanna and Hannah lament their virginity and diseased cooch (respectively) as their biggest baggage and it got me wondering what mine would be. After careful soul searching and a fearless personal inventory I decided that this would have to be my most embarrassing trait and greatest personal baggage. Although Shoshanna is a virgin, she does pass along solid advice on STD etiquette, convincing Hannah she needs to confront her former college boyfriend, Elijah, before the disease is spread further.

At a gallery, Marnie is introduced to the artist Booth Jonathan. If he looks familiar, but you can't quite place it, it's from here. Marnie fawns over his work and Booth tells her cooly to "try and give less of a shit." It's on. Booth pulls Marnie from the gallery to hang out with him on the High Line and after some harmless flirting, he takes it up a few thousand notches. The whole interaction is pasted above in the intro, but I'll save you the exertion of scrolling up. This.

At her rendezvous with Elijah, Hannah plans to accuse him of giving her the bug. To her dismay though, Hannah is informed of several facts. (1) Elijah is gay (2) Their relationship helped him to realize this fact (3) Hannah is "handsome" and was the perfect transition to penis (4) Adam definitely lied to her about getting tested because guys can't be screened for HPV (5) If Elijah's Gay-Dar is properly calibrated, Hannah's dad might be gay (6) Hannah dresses like a lesbian. So to answer an earlier question, yes, this day could get worse. 

By the end of the night, Jessa is smoking weed and eating snacks with her new friend and employer Jeff, the father of the kids she babysits. The two have at least one thing in common besides enjoying an evening toke, in that they both don't really know what they want to do with their lives. In the episode's final scene, a despondent Hannah contemplates several emotional tweets before settling on "All adventurous women do", as the apparently not yet retired Robyn blares on her MacBook speakers. In one of the more memorable scenes from all season, Marnie comes home from the art show and the two dance away all their bad feelings together, trying to forget about a truly confusing and all around fucked up day. 


Episode 4: "Hannah's Diary" 

There's an extremely valuable lesson learned in this episode: NEVER send around pictures of your own dick. If you find yourself in a situation where sending a dick-pic is necessary, you should always opt to send a picture of somebody else's dick. I prefer using Chris Brown, my buddy The Paz prefers Brett Favre, or in a pinch, any of these work well too. Hannah does not heed this sage advice though, and when she gets a dick-pic that was accidentally sent to her by Adam, she reciprocates with a titty shot, thus destroying any chance she might have had in politics. Unless she wants to limit herself to working for one of the select few who find this behavior acceptable.

Have you had enough of Hannah's knockers yet? No? Well neither has her new boss, Rich. Upon receiving an unsolicited back massage and boob grab, Hannah finds out from her coworkers that this is just par for the course around the office and she'll get used to it. While Hannah is getting groped at the workplace, Ray and Charlie go over a set list for their band as they restore a junkyard table as a gift for Marnie. Ever antsy, Ray goes snooping around for "girl stuff" and he hits pay dirt. On a normal day, finding Marnie's little pink vibrator would definitely be the grand prize but this is overshadowed when their recon mission turns up Hannah's diary. As Ray glosses over its contents, his face drops and Charlie immediately knows there is something in there that he has to see.

Resuming her duties as a nanny, Jessa takes Lola and Beatrix to the park after school. On the way, they run into the increasingly sketchy Jeff and his buddy who appears to be a friend of Bill. Sensing their presence is less than desired, Jessa hurries the children to the park where she attempts to unionize the babysitting community before promptly losing track of the kids. Thankfully, Jessa finds the two and brings them home. When she confesses this care taking S.N.A.F.U. to Jeff she reminisces about being a child, always running from things and telling lies but the recollection feels much more present than a distant memory.

It looks like Shosh's time as a virgin may be coming to an end when she has a little movie date back at her place with an old camp friend. Things get hot and heavy quickly (who knew this girl was packing some serious body karate? Not me, that's for sure.) and Shoshanna decides to offer up sex, seemingly just to get it over with already. Mere moments before insertion can take place, Shoshanna admits to being a virgin, but alas, virgins just aren't this guy's "thing". Very few men are bold enough to take a 24 year old's v-card and all that comes with it, so Shoshanna will be forced to find another knight to deflower her.

At the suggestion of her coworkers to respect herself a little more, Hannah shows up at Adam's apartment unannounced to break things off. Hannah's ambivalence regarding their relationship shines through when she declares brunch dates are unnecessary but all things considered she would prefer to be exclusive with Adam. The sentiment is a fair one, but let's get real, brunch dates and monotony are one in the same. Eggs Benedict and stuffed French toast are not shared with casual hook ups.

In a painful yet enormously gratifying final scene, Ray and Charlie unveil the newest single from their band, Questionable Goods. "Hannah's Diary" plays like a modern day "You Oughta Know" and delivers a not-so-subtle FUCK YOU! message to Marnie for being such a shitty partner. With Ray holding Hannah's actual diary in front of Charlie's face, Charlie reads from it verbatim, spilling out all of Marnie's relationship thoughts vis-a-vis Hannah's pen. Jessa loves the song. Marnie hates it. Hannah is sickened by it. And Charlie, ironically, now has a big set of balls, but nothing to use them on anymore.


Episode 5: "Hard Being Easy"

We pick up right where we left off, with an agonizing recitation of Hannah's diary. Even as Hannah is forced to read her own destructive words out loud to Marnie and Charlie, she doesn't seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation and rather, is more concerned with how the two view the quality of her writing. Marnie, being the unapologetic and self absorbed twat that she is, thinks she should be completely vindicated because it wasn't her journal. As if shouldering Hannah with the entirety of the blame isn't enough, Marnie also casually explains to Hannah that the reason she can't appreciate the situation is because she's never been loved by anybody...except by her, of course.

In full damage control mode, Marnie goes to Ray's coffee shop to get a vital piece of information from him: Charlie's home address. The bitch hasn't even been there after years of dating him! Charlie's constant fawning is certainly irritable but this recent fact is unforgivable in my book. Ray reluctantly gives up the address but notes his anger for Marnie is so deep he wouldn't even hate-fuck her. Easy there big fella, let's not say anything we don't really mean.

When Marnie arrives at Charlie's apartment for a face-to-face, we get a flashback to 2007 when the two met. At an Oberlin College party, Marnie bugs out from some pot brownies and while Hannah is preoccupied with the (even way back when) overtly gay Elijah, Charlie comes to the rescue to offer hugs and to help stabilize her high. Back in the present, Marnie seems no less dependent on his support and shamelessly begs to be taken back. She even proffers extra blowjobs but Charlie seems reticent. At this point, Hannah just needs to set up Charlie with Elijah.  

For the second time, it looks like Hannah's gonna lose a job because she's completely oblivious to the boundaries of sexual misconduct at the workplace. Trying to fuck, sue, and then extort your boss is typically grounds for termination but Rich seems content to chalk it all up as a misunderstanding. Hannah is so thoroughly humiliated though, that she just quits on the spot and marches off to Adam's to get some support from her new boyfriend. But Adam is SO not Hannah's boyfriend apparently. Yesterday's bang was interpreted by Adam as break-up sex; not make-up sex. Hannah doesn't want to accept this but it's tough to argue with a guy holding a blow torch so instead she excuses herself to the bathroom.

Jessa, always down to stir up a maelstrom of chaos, meets up with an ex-boyfriend simply to prove that she's "unsmoteable". Even though her former flame is currently involved with another girl, it doesn't take much convincing to get the Movember 'stached, fedora rocking hipster to cheat on his girl friend and rail her out (all while Shoshanna watches and takes mental notes from behind a curtain).

In a last ditch effort to save the relationship, Marnie makes over the top promises to Charlie, such as having to act like his "life is real". A pretty unreasonable request if you ask me. Mid-coitus and a few whispered "I love yous" later, Marnie realizes her colossal mistake and ends the relationship for good. More importantly, by my calculation Allison Williams has still not shown her breasts...even during sex scenes. Who has sex fully clothed? This show is just becoming highly unrealistic.

Having composed herself in the bathroom, Hannah gets ready to leave but on her way out witnesses Adam jerking off in his bed. He invites her to stay and spit disparaging remarks at him, which for some reason, is an offer she accepts. Their weird quasi-abusive dalliance takes a turn towards full on BDSM when she labels him as pathetic, bad, disgusting, lazy, and small dicked. As her inner dominatrix/prostitute comes out, Hannah negotiates $30 for cab/pizza/gum right as Adam cums all over himself. With only C-Notes in Adam's wallet (Fuck!), Hannah makes off with a Franklin and although emotionally haggard, can at least pay part of her rent. And THAT, gentlemen, is why you should never carry around hundred dollar bills.


Episode 6: "The Return"

Episode 6 is the lone installment directed by the show's executive producer, and comedy icon, Judd Apatow. The episode is more serene, reflective, and angsty than the rest of the season and this seems fitting considering Apatow's recent career arc. It is also the only episode of the season that completely features Hannah...and Hannah alone.

A rent check is looming and the oft-underemployed Hannah returns home to Michigan for some moral (and more importantly, financial) support. However, feeling smothered by the very presence of her parents back in her life, Hannah quickly retreats to her room and eats her feelings. No freeloader, Hannah is relegated to house chores in the morning and asked to pick up meds for mommy's hot flashes.

Back in East Lansing, Hannah runs into former high school acquaintances, now relegated to Townie status. Her first run-in is with the rather dim barista, Heather. Heather tells Hannah her plans of moving to L.A. to pursue a career in dancing, but sadly not all the news is Snickerdoodles and rainbows. Fellow classmate Carey Lawrence has tragically disappeared, Natalee Holloway style, and there will be a benefit in the evening to raise money for the family's private eye. Hannah's second encounter of the day occurs at the pharmacy where she recognizes another former classmate, Eric. This wholesome, if not milquetoast chap, strikes a chord with Hannah as the anti-Adam so she happily accepts an invitation for a date. Hannah also scores free pantyhose and free bottle of lube (for mom's menopausal vag) so all in all it was a pretty eventful morning.

"You are from New York and therefore you are naturally interesting" Hannah tells herself in the mirror before her big date. While this may reek of a superiority complex, it also serves to emphasize that Hannah appears only marginally secure in her decision to ditch the small town atmosphere in search of bigger and better. At Carey's benefit, which comes off more like a day camp talent show, Heather displays her immense dancing talent by lip synching Keri Hilson's Pretty Girl Rock and gyrating around the stage like Ke$ha. Noting the absurdity of somebody with no apparent talent striking out to a city in hopes of making it big, Hannah realizes the remarkable parallels to her own life. Perhaps she's being overly cynical or perhaps she's being an objective realist for the first time, but either way Eric tells Hannah she needs to relax and not be so self serious.

Hannah definitely isn't the toughest lay, that's for sure, so after a slice of pizza and a beer she's all nakey in Eric's bed. As my friend The Bull says, if you're having trouble getting laid the solution is simple: poor chicks. They just expect less. Unfortunately, Eric has no idea what he's gotten himself into regarding the sexually deviant Hannah. A door bell ringing and some dirty talking involving babies is enough to bring the date to an end. Adam may have warped Hannah's sexual expectations permanently but it's also obvious that Hannah just has no desire for the conventional, betwixt the sheets or otherwise.

Celebrating their 30th Anniversary the way all parents do, Hannah's mom and dad bang it out doggy-style in the shower. That is until Hannah's dad throws out his back and collapses onto the floor. As if the sight of old saggy titties wasn't enough, we get treated to a view of old shriveled up cock, too. It's really a classic win-win. If they keep on feeding me magnificent nudity like this, I'll drop my lobbying for Allison Williams to bare all, I promise. With dad severely concussed and tucked into bed, Hannah's mom offers financial support, unprovoked. Hannah, to her credit, refuses the gesture, both in stubborn pride but also in an unapologetic belief in herself.

Late at night in her Goo Goo Dolls decorated room, Hannah gets a call from Adam. Although he was merely returning her earlier calls, Adam undoubtedly misses her, even telling her as much. Despite the emotional torment Adam causes, his care for Hannah is readily apparent and there is something stronger than demented sex holding these two together. The whole episode is an ode to New York City, for all that it is, as much as for all that it isn't; for the reason people feel drawn to it and for the reasons people feel oppressively trapped by it. You might need to live in NYC to fully appreciate this sentiment (I do, which is why I can articulate it so brilliantly and poetically) but anybody can understand the final shot with Hannah listening to Adam describe what he sees out his apartment window. It's the realization that you can never go home again, and there's now someplace else where you'd rather be. 


Episode 7: "Welcome to Bushwick a.k.a. The Crackcident"

Now this has to be the most entertaining 30 minutes of the season, right? Crack smoking, a knock out punch, hipster warehouse party madness, and Ghostface Killah blasting on the speakers...what more could you possibly want? Obviously, Marnie has a shitty time, but fuck her.  

Marnie is mostly cranky because after catching the tail end of Charlie's set she's desperate to display that she still has hand. Her condescending golf claps for Charlie's new found happiness end rather quickly when she sees Charlie already has a new girlfriend. She's bubbly, cute as a button, extra fun, more spinnable, and appears to really like Molly too. If she enjoys finger blasting herself in art gallery bathrooms as well, Marnie is toast. Over the course of the evening Hannah runs off with Adam, Ray runs off with Shoshanna, Jessa runs off with Jeff, and Marnie finds herself completely and utterly alone for the first time. 

As Ray and Jessa flirt in a hallway, Shoshanna flies in like a whirling dervish. Shoshanna is of the belief that she's smoked a little too much weed, when it reality she's cracked out of her face. For those who are unfamiliar with crack, it'll make you do some weird shit. Not to fear though, Jessa will act as Shosh's crack spirit guide...for ten seconds anyway. It's then that Jeff (her mystery texter from earlier) shows up and Ray is named her proxy. As a substitute crack spirit guide, Ray doesn't have the necessary supervision experience and Shoshanna makes a mad dash out of the building. Convinced she's being chased by a rapist, a pantless Shoshanna delivers a crippling knee to Ray's nuts and the two crumple onto the sidewalk. Ray does get a "non sexual" inner thigh massage out of it, so the night's events could very well pay dividends down the road.

Hannah learns from Adam's friend Tako (you thought it was spelled Taco, don't lie) that Adam is a recovering alcoholic. This is Adam's major defining characteristic apparently and Hannah now realizes she knows precisely dick about this guy. Deciding she no longer wants to observe him from afar and behind blind corners, Hannah approaches Adam at the party and they dance. This if course leaves Marnie with nobody to talk to at the party which is a crying shame. The fact that any girl would ever think it's acceptable, under any circumstance whatsoever, to leave their friend unattended at a bar or party for 2 minutes, is beyond my comprehension. Shame on you Hannah for not babysitting Marnie in her time of need. Elijah becomes the de facto babysitter and he wastes no time in telling Marnie what somebody should have told her long ago: that she's a self centered, ego maniacal twatsack.

Meanwhile, Jessa and Jeff sit on a fire escape and discuss the endless depths of Jeff's pathetic soul. As if the depressing bottle of wine wasn't enough to make him feel insignificant, Jeff gets dropped HARD by some "crusties" that Jessa insults. Although Jessa may have gotten in a few verbal jabs, it's Jeff who catches the devastating right hook and the subsequent trip to the hospital. In a flailing final attempt to carry out this charade of an affair, Jeff tries to get Jessa to spend the night with him. Despite her grand epiphany that she "can't do this kind of thing anymore" you kind of get the feeling that Jessa's lack of interest is due mostly to the fact that Jeff got laid the fuck out; she would probably be fine with unprotected alleyway sex with the two punks who inflicted the damage. Stung and embarrassed, Jeff even disavows their friendship as he sulks out of the hospital.

Lost in an abandoned scrap yard, Hannah puts Adam through the wringer. She blames him for not being open about his alcoholism, or any part of himself for that matter, but Adam quickly turns the tables. "You never ask me anything!" he retorts, "You don't want to know me!" he adds. And it's true. For all of her self pitying, Hannah's biggest fault in her relationships (sexual and friendship) is that she wants to take the passive aggressive role of the observer/writer. Her analysis of situations isn't necessarily faulty, but there is very little action on her part to change anything. Until now. When Marnie shows up to rescue her !!!BEST FRIEND!!! Hannah calls Adam's bluff. Although we don't see her answer Adam's question "Do you want me to be your boyfriend?!?!" it's not difficult to surmise what she says. With all three crammed into the back of a taxi and with Adam's bike across their laps, Hannah's shit-eating grin tells us all we need to know.


Episode 8: "Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too"

Make no mistake, this episode is all Adam. The dude straight kills it with one liners from beginning to end and the entire installment is dedicated to him, both in title and content.

I laughed pretty hard when Adam offers up a view of Hannah's tits in exchange for free ice cream.

I was near the point of tears when he asks Hannah if she was a late walker while having sex with her.

I almost had a laughter induced stroke when he answers the phone "Yo skank where you at? Getting that pussy pounded?" then turning to Marnie and adding for the purpose of clarification "It's my sister". But enough of that.

For the first time, Hannah is in a committed and happy relationship while Marnie wallows in miserable loneliness. Marnie can't even ignore the new couple and is instead reduced to listening to them fuck through her thin bedroom wall. Though Adam is nothing but friendly to Marnie, even giving her advice on how best to move on from Charlie, it doesn't stop Marnie from being a jealous and resentful beyotch. While Adam coaches Hannah on a run through Brooklyn (possibly her first attempt at physical activity ever) Marnie stays behind to talk shit about Hannah to Jessa.

Hannah spends the afternoon with Adam, traveling to his performance space so she can watch him rehearse scenes from his upcoming play. GIRLS has been peeling back the layers to Adam's complicated personality slowly but at this point they give us a clusterfuck of an emotional unraveling. Adam recounts his preadolescence and it's awkward, sad, funny, if not wholly strange. While Adam is apparently talented in ways we didn't initially realize, he's just as mercurial. Having realized the play is not materializing the way he initially envisions, Adam quits the project, storms out of the theater, and promptly throws a maniacal freak out at a driver who gets too close to him in the crosswalk. Then, just as we're trying to decide if he's crazy, hilarious, eccentric, creative, or just a fucking weirdo, Adam gives us our answer: yes. 

Since minimizing Hannah's happiness in a fit of bitter resentment isn't an activity that can be neatly contained to her apartment, Marnie continues this exercise at a bar, well into the evening hours. Exhausting the topic of Hannah's "teensy" breasts, Marnie and Jessa turn their attention to the suited man at the bar who just bought them a round of drinks. Jessa's advice to loosen up is still ringing around in Marnie's head when the cop from Bridesmaids invites them back to his apartment. Jessa isn't buying his whole song and dance, much less understanding what a venture capitalist does, but Marnie is just looking for some strange dick now that she's single.

Thomas-John serenades the ladies with some not so impressive DJing skills before turning on the heat and going all out with a proposition for a threesome. Not surprisingly, Jessa rejects this offer. Very surprisingly however (and to my personal delight), Marnie takes this as the opportune moment to get outside her own head, experience life a bit, and make out with Jessa right there on the floor. Sadly, a wine glass is spilled on a $10,000 carpet long before Allison Williams takes all her clothes off (sigh) and Thomas-John goes ballistic. Amidst his ranting and raving, Thomas-John demands to be included in their make out session culminating in their permission for him to go "balls-deep".

Even though he is flatly rejected, Thomas-John does get to say what many men wish they could have said at some point in their lives. It's a rallying cry for every hard working man who bought a drink for a girl, only to be left standing at the bar alone; for every expensive dinner date that ended in masturbation; for every truly miserable day at work that makes you want to go on a murdering spree; for every dollar and every ounce of effort spent on a girl who is happy to take advantage of genuine kindness/horny chivalry. "Do you even know what it's like to work hard?...Daddy didn't buy me this rug or this apartment!" Thomas-John yells. Then adding "it ticks me off when I come to Williamsburg after working hard all fucking day in the real world, and I see all these stupid little daddy's girls in their stupid fucking bowlers hats...and then you come over and you flirt and flirt and flirt...." just as every male viewer is screaming at the screen "RIGHT!?!?!?!?!?!"

In matching beige unitard pajamas, Hannah and Adam discuss the pros and cons of quitting the play. Hannah is able to successfully convince Adam to stay with the project when he compromises by assuming a pseudonym for his writing credit. Hannah is indubitably a stabilizing force in Adam's life, but there is still an awkward and uneven tension in their report that evening. Most of this is caused by Adam's bizarre and unpredictable behavior over the course of the day, so when Hannah goes to sleep at night, we get the feeling she's asking herself "what have I gotten myself into?" Whatever doubts she has are quickly put to rest, though. She is woken from a dead sleep by Adam and brought outside to a mural of "Sorry" printed several hundred times over and taped to a brick wall. He's not oblivious to his peculiarities and while he's a weirdo, he's Hannah's weirdo.


Episode 9: "Leave Me Alone"

Keeping in mind that they embody our generation's Sex and the City and need to act accordingly from time to time, the gang heads to a swanky book launch party. Tally, the celebrated author is a frienemy of Hannah's, so naturally, seething jealousy boils over. When Hannah finds her way over to Tally at the party, the two trade condescending barbs back and forth before Tally disappears into the arms of her laudatory guests. The evening's only redeeming moment for Hannah is that she runs into her old writing teacher and mentor, played by everybody's favorite wise guy, Michael Imperioli, a.k.a. Spider a.k.a. Christopher. Professor Goldman confirms what Hannah already believed to be true, that Tally is indeed a shitty writer, and Hannah feels somewhat vindicated.

Spurred on by the successes of Tally, Hannah recognizes that it's time for her to take more chances. Putting herself out there, Hannah decides to attend a writer's workshop that Professor Goldman invited her to. Hannah doesn't get the support she's looking for though. Marnie tells her the piece she wants to read isn't a great choice and her opinion is misinterpreted as a greater theme of unsupportiveness. Ominous storm clouds are gathering. Even Adam, despite his artistic leanings, doesn't think the reading is a good idea. Although to be fair, his main beef is that readings always have those crackers that are like cookies but they're really crackers. Those things confuse me too.

The cat's out of the proverbial bag. Jeff's a wannabe philanderer and his wife knows it. Katherine drops in on Jessa to see if there's any chance she can still babysit the kids (no chance, obviously) and also to share some disturbing dream imagery involving the murder, cannibalism, and defecation of Jessa's body. Freud would cream his pants for a shot to get Katherine on his couch. Katherine does leave Jessa with some parting wisdom, though. She tells her that a simpler, more boring life might be the one that creates less drama and in turn makes her happier. That's deep. Thanks, Captain Hindsight. Your work here is done.

In her never ending quest to work shitty jobs for as short a time as possible, Hannah shows up to work at Ray's coffee house but is immediately sent home for wearing a white dress rather than appropriate hipster barista attire. Read: cute top, slim leg. Upon her return, Hannah is thrown for a loop when Ray informs her that pretty much all of her writing is extremely trivial. Among the other topics Hannah is urged to write about (rather than herself) are cultural criticism, the plight of the giant panda, acid rain, urban sprawl, and of course, death. Sorry about the panda video, but a sneezing bear just gets me every time.

When Hannah arrives at the reading, she makes the decision to pocket her original piece and instead read a made up story about a dead boyfriend that she hastily scrawled on her way to the workshop. It goes about as well as can be expected, so when Spider/Christopher/Prof. Goldman tells her that she should have stuck to her guns and read the intended essay, Hannah realizes her writing isn't all that trivial. She is.

In typical Hannah fashion, her day morphs from truly shitty to ass-fucked sideways when she gets home. Hannah seeks comfort from her bestie but Marnie not only bought Tally's book she also informs Hannah that she's "not always in the mood" to talk about her. And that's when the claws come out. Since every girl spat NEEDS a winner and a loser, I took the liberty of tallying up the points below. Like any good cat fight, the accusations run the gamut from the truly hurtful to the nonsensically retarded.

Marnie's disses to Hannah: you pay no bills (+1); you push everyone about everything (+1); you eat all my yogurt (+1, assuming it's not Chobani...otherwise +2); we only talk about your problems (+1); you're selfish (+1); you have no friends from preschool (+1); you judge everyone (+1); I can think of 1 million insults that you've never even thought about yourself (+1); you're a big ugly fucking wound (+1); I'm not the wound...YOU'RE the wound (+2, double reversal); you don't know what you want (+1); you've been crazy since middle school when you used to masturbate too much (+1); you're a bad friend (+1); I don't want to live with you anymore (+1)

Hannah's disses to Marnie: actually we only talk about YOUR problems (+2 for a nice reversal); you think meeting a guy is the main point in life (+1); you should bring things up when they're actually happening (+1); nobody ever says anything bad about me that I haven't already said to myself, about myself (-1...boomerang insults count for negative points); you're obsessed with success and social standing (+1); your priorities are out of whack (+1); you're on the verge of psychotic misery (+1); no, YOU'RE the wound (+2 for reversal); I have a boyfriend and you don't (+2, OUCH); you've been batshit crazy since Charlie's gone (+1); I have bigger concerns than being your friend (+2, DAMN); I don't want to live with you anymore either (+2 for reversal)

WINNER - Marnie. If you add up the totals it comes out to 15-15 if the yogurt is generic brand. But let's be real, Marnie definitely eats Chobani.


Episode 10: "She Did"    

So here we are. The end of Season 1. Adam is carrying a mattress down the stairs so the natural assumption is that Hannah (who, aside from the major spat with Marnie, can't afford rent in the first place) is forced to move out. But no! It's Marnie who's moving out and her issues with Hannah have most definitely not been resolved. Hannah feels guilty but Adam points out that the half-empty apartment is now filled with potential. So I guess the apartment is really half-full. Marnie shacks up with Shoshanna for the time being, much to Shosh's delight, and Adam is excited by the prospect of becoming Hannah's new subtenant.

Hannah tries to fake sick at work to leave early but Ray calls her bluff. Pulling out his phone, he displays a text message that he knows is the reason Hannah feels suddently allergic and reminds her they exist in the same social circle. The text is from Jessa and it calls for a mystery suprise party in just a few hours. Everybody has their own theories. Shoshanna just feels weird and thinks the universe is slightly askew. Ray thinks it might be an Eyes Wide Shut party. Marnie get's all "J Lo at the Grammy's" and crimps her hair.

When a rotund, curly-headed emcee brings Thomas-John to the stage (remember him from Episode 8?) we already know what's about to happen. Jessa enters the room in a bridal gown and this would probably be huge news if everybody and their mother wasn't absolutely convinced there's a 0% chance these two make it all the way through the 2nd season. Sorry for being cynical but when your bride cites your love of "travel and finance" as the main reasons for attraction during the vows, shit just ain't gonna last. Adam gets emotionally stirred ("Time is a rubber band") but the ceremony is over quickly, Yankin' starts bumping, Marnie is mean-mugging, and all the white kids go cray.

A lot of loose ends are tied up in quick order at the wedding reception. Marnie apologies to Elijah for her behavior (remember, in Episode 7?) and asks to start fresh, then she meets up with Charlie and admits that she reads Audrey's (remember her, from Episode 7 as well?) blog and likes it. Even when Charlie invites Marnie to the bathroom for a quickie, she politely declines, seemingly resolute to begin moving forward rather than treading old territory. Marnie even gets right back in the game by planting a cake-filled smackaroo on the rotund curly-headed emcee (remember him, from earlier in this post?). Overcome by Marnie's maturity and in a pay it forward type moment, Elijah informs Hannah that he was in fact the HPV source (remember, from Episode 3?). Hannah even offers up her new spare room, which Elijah accepts since he's living in a SRO. Then we have Ray and Shoshanna. They start talking and decide to go home together (remember their flirting...also in Episode 7?) just as long as Ray stays out of Shoshanna's "emotional way". Ray confides that he can't stop thinking about Shoshanna and digs her because she "vibrates on a very strange frequency". They go home together and Shosh can finally loosen up, both figuritively and literally

So, Marnie makes peace with Elijah and makes peace with Charlie too, Hannah makes peace with Elijah and they consider the whole episode "water under her vagina", Shoshanna makes peace with the fact that she can't remain a virgin forever, and Ray makes peace with the fact that his way of interacting with other humans can't solely be sarcasm and cynicism. All settled.

Or is it? When Hannah tells Adam he doesn't need to move in anymore, unceremoniously replaced by Elijah, let's just say Adam doesn't take it so well. Even when Hannah admits that she's insecure, she can't do it without the caveat that she's the most insecure person of all time, on some lonely cloud that can't be appreciated or understood by anybody else, anywhere, ever. Through Season 1, that's really Hannah in a nutshell. You can't blame Adam, as unstable as he is too, for feeling like he's getting emotionally bent over constantly.

After Adam is clipped by a passing car and opts to take the ambulence to the hospital by himself, Hannah hops on the F train to head home. 21 stops later, she wakes up in Coney Island, disoriented and alone. Through all the tumult, the trials and tribulations, the tears, the stress, the sex both normal and depraved, where does Hannah stand now? Pretty much exactly where she started: with an unclear situation with a boy, no real means to support herself or pay rent, self-esteem issues, flighty impulsiveness that isolates herself from her closest friends, and in place of $40 in stolen room service tips, nothing but a huge hunk of cake.